


Still Here

by castleshadows



Category: Blood and Ash Series - Jennifer L. Armentrout
Genre: F/M, Feels, Forbidden Love, Light Smut
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-01-31
Updated: 2021-01-31
Packaged: 2021-03-17 14:27:23
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,182
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29101737
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/castleshadows/pseuds/castleshadows
Summary: What if Poppy had stayed in that room at the Red Pearl? What if she waited for Hawke to come back?
Relationships: Poppy Balfour/Hawke Flynn
Comments: 1
Kudos: 35





	Still Here

**Author's Note:**

> I wrote this in like thirty minutes with minimal editing, so sorry if there are any typos. If so I'll fix them tomorrow. Hope you enjoy!

I paced the floor, back in forth, back in forth. It’d been almost ten minutes now, if the clock on the wall was correct, since Hawke left, and still I couldn’t force myself out of that door. Every time I got close, every time I reached for the handle, something pulled me back. 

Maybe it was the memory of his hands on me. The memory of his mouth on mine, his tongue a hot press against my lips. Maybe I wanted that tongue on me again, with no clothing in between it and my skin. Maybe I wanted his tongue in… _other_ places. Maybe I wanted his hands… his… his _cock_ , inside me. What would it even feel like? 

I knew enough about sex to know that it would hurt the first time. I didn’t know how much though. I’d heard that some ladies bled when they lost their virginity. How embarrassing would that be?

I pivoted on my heel, almost positive there was an indent in the floor where I’d done that same thing over and over, walking from one end of the room to the other. 

I should go. Before Hawke came back. Before I allowed myself to experience things that wouldn’t leave me a maiden any longer. Well, not much of one anyways. And that wasn’t even thinking of the possible punishments if anyone found out. Especially the Duke. He’d take a cane to my skin again, maybe worse. The Gods would most likely find me unworthy if I appeared before them having experienced pleasure. 

But that tongue. His full lips, and high cheekbones. His face was painfully handsome. The kind of face that you knew was hiding something, but made you want to trust them anyway. And I did. I wanted to trust this man I had watched for almost a year. He didn’t even know who I was, so how the hell would he report it to the Duke. I hadn’t given him a name, nor a face to identify me by, and he’d already seen everything that wasn’t covered by the veil I always wore, and then some. If he didn’t know who I was by now, he’d probably never figure it out. 

I knew this was a bad idea, in more ways than one. But, oh gods I wanted it so bad. I wanted to find out if his hand were as skilled as his tongue. I wanted to know if the rest of his body was as beautiful and perfect as what I’d seen. I’d never seen a fully naked man before, but I was curious to find out. 

Of course there was the problem of the mask. And… and the scars. I hadn’t thought of that. How were we supposed to do anything if I couldn’t take off my mask or my clothes? And that was even assuming he’d want to do anything, though his kisses had hinted of something more. What if he never came back at all? What if he’d led me to believe he would, and I would be waiting here for hours until some other couple knocked on the door? That would be mortifying. 

“Dammit,” I cursed, flopping onto the bed. The covers were still slightly rumpled from our moving around on them. 

My hand went to my dagger, gripping it as a source of comfort. Another problem presented itself. Vikter. What if he was still down there? The woman still hadn’t come to get me, so I assumed he was. What if she didn’t come to get me in time and I was still here when Hawke returned. But that was what I wanted… right?

I wasn’t going to wait to decide. I needed to get out of here. While I wanted Hawke’s hands all over me very badly, I wanted to be found worthy by the gods more. Everything was connected to them. If I stayed in this room, no matter what other consequences I received, the god’s opinions mattered more. If they found me unworthy, then all the work I’d put in over the years, everything I’d suffered would go to waste. And I wanted to be found worthy. I did. I wanted…

Did I?

I didn’t get the chance to find out because a second later, the door was opened. 

I froze. 

It could be anybody. It wasn’t Hawke. It was just some couple, checking to see if the room was empty. But if it was, wouldn’t they have knocked?

I saw the blue-black hair first, then broad shoulders, and muscular arms that I immediately wanted wrapped around me. I shoved that thought out of my head. No, no, I needed to leave. 

“Princess?”

I looked up from my hands which I hadn’t even realized I was staring at. Golden eyes were fixed on me, and without thinking I used my gift. The pain hit me first, that sorrow that was always there, though it seemed… less somehow. Not reduced, but sort of in the back of his mind, like he wasn’t thinking about it anymore. That was weird, because whenever I’d felt that pain, it’d taken center-stage in his mind. I was glad for him though. I wasn’t sure how he could stand it all the time, and he needed a break, even if it wasn’t much of one. 

That thought surprised me. Why did I care about this man so much? The one I’d known for all of thirty minutes now. Though for some reason, it felt like longer. Like we’d know each other all our lives. I wondered if he felt the same, or if I was just being crazy. Knowing me, probably the latter. 

There was another feeling too. On the tip of my tongue that I couldn’t quite place. It was light, and springy, and made me feel… cool. Like… like surprise. That was new. I’d only ever been able to sense pain before. I pulled back thinking maybe it was just my imagination, but when I tested it again, the feeling was still there. I’d have to ask the Duchess about that later. 

“Princess?” He repeated, golden eyes still fixed on me. Hawke was usually good at hiding things, but even without my gift, it was obvious he didn’t expect to find me still here. I didn’t expect to still find me here either. 

“Yes?” I whispered, unable to meet his gaze. I looked just a little below his eyes hoping, he thought I was actually looking at him, instead of trying to trick him into thinking I was. I didn’t believe it worked. 

“You’re still here…”

“Thanks for pointing out the obvious.” I quipped without a second thought. It seemed to amuse him further, the corner of his lip curving upwards just a bit. Not enough to see his dimple though. I wished it was. 

He seemed to look out into the hallways for a second, as if considering leaving. I wouldn’t blame him if he did. He didn’t know me. What obligation did he have towards this strange woman who wouldn’t tell him her name and refused to take her mask off? None. And yet after a heartbeat, he stepped fully into the room, shutting the door. 

I got a full look at him then. Tall, muscular body that I longed to explore. To touch, even though I was forbidden to. I’d never wanted to do that with anyone else, and it was a strange feeling. 

“Just couldn’t get enough of me could you,” Hawke chuckled, shrugging off his baldric, and the cloak he’d donned at some point. I stood up, rolling my eyes. Of course. Somehow, while fantasizing about him, I’d forgotten how obnoxious he was. 

“Well if you’re going to be annoying about it, I think I’m going to go—”

His arm shot out, faster than I could anticipate, and wrapped around my front, pulling me to him. My back was pressed against his front, and the clothes we wore served as no real barrier, the heat still making its way into my bones. I stiffened, still not used to being this close to another human. My hand reached towards the dagger, but Hawke beat me to it. 

“You’re not going to stab me are you,” he said, gripping the wolven bone hilt, and pulling it out of the sheath to give it an inspection. He held it up to the light, and I was momentarily distracted by the way his biceps moved and flexed. Damn, he had nice biceps. 

“And what would happen if I did?” I replied, dragging my gaze away from his arms.

His eyes locked onto mine again and he put the knife back in the sheath, which surprised me. It was a surprisingly considerate gesture, and one that should’ve been innocent enough. But, the way he was looking at me, made it seem like the dirtiest act known to man and it sent a shiver down my body. Those golden eyes deepened into a heated honey color, something you could almost drown in, and I knew he had felt my reaction. 

“What do you think would happen?”

A challenge. Of what kind I didn’t know, but I accepted anyway. 

“Well, I imagine you would be angry, and would call the guards on me.”

“Oh Princess,” Hawke turned me around so we were facing each other. His hands gripped the bottom of his tunic and pulled it over his head, arms returning to circle me as soon as it was off. I tried not to stare but failed miserably. “I think you’ll find that you stabbing me would make me the exact opposite of angry.” 

Before I could ask exactly what that meant, and also maybe stop to question his sanity, his lips were on mine, pressing down, and erasing every coherent thought from my brain that wasn’t “oh my gods he’s kissing me again, and I never want it to end”. 

It went faster this time, no slow seduction, and just as fierce if not more so. He dipped me down and my hands went to his shoulders. My _bare_ hands. Oh my gods I was touching him with my bare hands. There was no time to panic or shout with glee (I hadn’t decided yet), because I was hoisted up into warm arms, and carried to the bed, still being kissed. 

I was still wildly inexperienced, but I had a bit more confidence this time, and when he laid me down, and climbed on top of me, I allowed myself a little more freedom then the last time. I moved my hands tentatively from his shoulders, down to his chest. My hands stopped on his pectorals, and I marveled at the pure, hard muscle beneath his skin. This was better than I had ever dreamed. All thoughts of my status and expectations as the Maiden flew out of my ear and scattered all over the floor. I knew I would have to pick them up lante, but for now, I allowed them to leave. 

My hands were at his sides now, just under his arms. And like last time, I jumped a little when I felt the wetness of his tongue slide against my mostly closed lips. I hesitated for a moment, and he started to pull back, but I forced him back towards me, opening my mouth wider and letting his tongue slip in. He explored my mouth, as I explored his body. 

My finger drifted along his chest, sliding down to the coiled muscle of his stomach, which tensed and then slowly relaxed under my touch. I pulled him down harder against me, wrapping my arms around his waist. Oh gods, I needed more, more, more—

Hawke broke the kiss, gripping my shoulders. He looked at me, lips swollen, eyes practically glowing. I tried to pull him down again, but he shook his head. 

I started to ask him why, until I realized his hands had moved up to my face, right to the edges of the mask. There was a question in his eyes, one he had asked twice before, and I started to shake my head. But something stopped me. 

He’d already seen all that the veil revealed and more. If he didn’t already recognize me then what was revealing the rest of my face going to do? But the scars… I was frozen. Surely he wouldn’t mind them? He had a few of his own I could see and feel along his torso. He was a guard, he saw scars every day. But, that didn’t mean he wanted to kiss anyone with them. Another paranoid part of me suggested that he’d somehow seen me without the veil before, and was now just looking for confirmation and enough evidence to turn me into the Duke. Not that Duke Teerman needed much evidence to convict me of anything. 

I looked back at Hawke, still waiting, and before I could change my mind, I blurted out, “I have scars.” 

He raised an eyebrow, his eyes full of confusion, not disgust like I was expecting, like I’d grown used to with the Duke. I resisted the urge to use my gift. 

“Scars?” he questioned, lean fingers still poised to untie the mask.

I lifted my own hand, deciding to show him the easiest of my markings, before the ones on my face, if it even got to that point. I gripped my sleeve, starting to roll it up. I paused, my traitorous brain deciding to list all the different things he could possibly say about my scars, though not one of the options it chose was remotely nice. 

I felt his hands on my arm and before I could protest he was rolling my sleeve up along with me. He kept going until the edges of the scars were visible, and past them to. I didn’t look. I couldn’t look. Oh, how disgusted he must be. This was probably the stupidest thing I’d ever done. Actually scratch that. This was most definitely the stupidest thing I’d ever done. 

Suddenly I felt the warm press of lips against the inside of my forearm, right where the scars were. It sent an unexpected wave of heat through me. Hawke kissed them again, and again, and I could’ve thrown myself at him and hugged him right there. 

I opened myself up, though I didn’t know what being able to sense pain was going to do in this situation. There was nothing there. Well obviously there was the pain he always felt, still waiting in the back of his mind. But other than that, there was nothing. The surprise-like feeling I’d felt earlier wasn’t there either, which was a little weird since seeing a woman with scars as bad as mine was uncommon in Solis and would’ve surprised any normal person. Then again, Hawke wasn’t really what I’d call _normal._ There was something strange about him. Something I hadn’t quite placed yet. Almost like he didn’t belong here. But that was crazy since he’d been a Royal Guard for years. 

“Your scars are not something to be ashamed of,” Hawke’s words brought my mind back to present realities, “They are a monument to what you’ve overcome.”

“You don’t even know what I’ve overcome,” I replied. 

“I don’t. But, I know whatever it was took courage and strength to survive.”

It hadn’t really. I didn’t think I’d been all that courageous that night. Disobedient was more like it. I didn’t correct him though.

His hands moved back up my body, stopping briefly at my breasts and then continued up my face until they reached the mask again. 

“So Princess? What do you say?”

No. No. Absolutely not. I should say no, and leave. But did I? Also no. 

I nodded, closing my eyes as he undid the string that kept the mask on my head. Oh gods, what the hell was I doing. I was so dead for this. So dead. I was going to die. The gods would hate me for the rest of my life. I would be thrown out beyond the rise, given to the Craven as a snack. I would become Craven food and my name would be erased from everyone’s mind. I would be forgotten and—

The mask came off.

I don’t know what I expected to happen. Maybe that I would get struck by lightning, or randomly catch on fire. Something weird. But, I was perfectly fine. I heard the mask being set on the small table by the bed, and a hand flattened against my cheek. I still didn’t dare open my eyes. For some reason I thought maybe if I keep my eyes closed, it would all go away. I wouldn’t have just revealed myself to a royal guard, I wouldn’t have snuck out to the Red Pearl and been kissed, and much more. I needed to leave. That much was clear. 

“You can open your eyes Princess.”

I did. 

Golden eyes trained on me. Me, not my scars. For some reason that made me feel a bit better. But, I still needed to get out of here. 

I cleared my throat, “I need to leave.”

Hawke raised an eyebrow, but pulled back a little, allowing me some space. 

“This was a bad idea, I—” I cut off, taking a deep breath, and sitting up, “I’m sorry.” The last part was whispered, and before I realized what I was doing, my hand reached up to cover my scars. Embarrassed tears burned the backs of my eyes, and I took a couple more deep breaths, trying to calm myself. I inhaled the scent of spice and pine, and that helped to relax me. 

Hawke gripped my wrist, pulling my hand gently off of my face. He kissed the scars, the longer one that covered my cheekbone, and then the smaller one that cut through my eyebrow. Reaching over he grabbed the domino mask from where it was laying on the side table, and helped me to secure it back over my face. I immediately felt much better, though my face still burned a little with embarrassment. 

I closed my eyes again, not noticing that Hawke had gotten up until I heard the door unlock. I opened my eyes, and watched as he held it open for me, smirk dancing on his lips and eyes full of amusement. All the traces of the tenderness he’d shone moments earlier, gone. 

I stood, grabbing my gloves from where I’d left them earlier and refastening my cloak, pulling the hood up. 

Hawke didn’t say anything until I stepped out into the quiet hallway, and even then it was in a whisper. 

“I hope I’ll be seeing more of you again Princess.”

I knew it was unlikely, but I nodded, smiling even though he couldn’t see it. 

He grinned back then, and though his teeth still weren’t showing, his dimples were. And that made me happy for some reason. And as I walked down the hall, I too found myself hoping that wasn’t the last I’d be seeing of Hawke Flynn.


End file.
